How to Talk About Loss

In June, our family experienced a profound and unexpected tragedy. We lost a son, a brother, and a bright light in our lives, Jonathan Joseph Channels (my step-son Jonny), just 23 years old, in a car accident.

There are no easy words in the wake of such a sudden loss. The pain is deep, the questions many, and the grief comes in waves. In the midst of the sorrow, we’ve also found ourselves reflecting on the transitions of life. These times reveal how fragile it all is and how important it becomes to lean on one another, to speak with love, and to grieve in ways that feel real.

One thing that’s become clear to me is how much grieving people need connection and support. But because the experience is so sensitive, many of us feel unsure about what to say or do. We want to support in a way that doesn’t rush or try to fix the unfixable but what’s the right way to do that?

What Grieving People Need Most

Grief isn't a problem to be solved; it’s a reality to be witnessed, patiently, gently, and with love. When someone we care about is grieving, it’s natural to feel unsure. But the truth is, showing up (even imperfectly) matters more than saying the perfect thing.

Here are a few things grieving hearts often need most:

• Presence over perfection. Just being there is powerful. A text, a call, a shared silence. These remind us we’re not alone.
• Acknowledgment. Say their name. Speak of the loss. “I’ve been thinking about Jonny today” can mean everything.
• Permission to feel. Grief is messy and personal. Avoid trying to cheer someone up or "move them along." Instead, offer space: “Whatever you're feeling right now is okay.”
• Consistency. Support isn’t just for the early days. Check in again weeks or months later. Even a simple “I’m still here” helps bring ease.

Gentle Words That Can Help

When searching for what to say, sometimes the simplest, most heartfelt words can offer the most comfort. Here are a few gentle ways to reach out when someone is grieving:

• “I don’t have the right words, but I care deeply and I’m here.”
• “I’m holding you in my thoughts every day.”
• “I can’t imagine how hard this is, but I want to be here for you however I can.”
• “I remember Jonny as someone who…” (Even a small memory reminds grieving hearts that their person mattered and is remembered.)
• “You don’t have to talk or respond — just know I’m thinking of you and sending my love.”
• “Would it be okay if I checked in again next week?” (Gentle follow-up can mean more than you know.)

Even a short message or simple gesture can help someone feel less alone. The point isn’t to say the perfect thing, it’s to speak from the heart and remind them they are seen and loved.

Ways to Support Those Who Are Grieving

• Offer specific help: meals, errands, childcare, quiet company.
• Remember anniversaries or difficult dates, and reach out on those days.
• Share memories…they don’t have to be profound. A small story, a laugh, a photo can mean the world.
• Be patient. Everyone grieves differently, and there’s no timeline or “getting over it.”

Grief teaches us how deeply we loved. And in supporting each other through it, we become softer, stronger, more human.

We hold Jonny in our hearts every day. And in this space, we honor not just his life, but the shared experience of love and loss that connects us all.

In harmony,
~Delphine

Megan Devine's It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand offers a profoundly compassionate and validating perspective on grief.